News of the World - WTF edition.

1. Vladimir Illyich Lenin is fighting back from the grave, against the scourge of alcoholism that is tearing at the heart of the glorious (albeit former) Soviet republics! Belarusian officials say a massive statue of Soviet founder Vladimir Lenin collapsed on a man who was hanging from it, killing him on the spot. The Emergency Situations ministry said on Monday that the 21-year-old man was drunk when he climbed onto the five-metre-high plaster monument early on Monday and hung from its arm. The monument broke into pieces and he was crushed.

The deceased will receive a posthumous award - from Charles Darwin.

2. The British are so lazy that one in six cannot be bothered to change television channel if the remote control is not working, according to a study on Monday. More than half said they would take the lift rather than climb two flights of stairs to their workplace, while three quarters had too little energy for sex at the end of a long day. "We will fight them on the beaches, and on the landing fields, we wi... ah fuck it, I can't be arsed." Whatever happened to the nation that first bloodied Hitler's nose, and gave the Allies Radar, the Spitfire and the jet engine?

3. There's an award for everything these days, as Miley Cyrus proved at the Teen Choice Awards. Cyrus won for comedy TV actress and comedy TV show for Hannah Montana, music/dance movie actress and hissy fit for the Hannah Montana movie, music single for The Climb and summer song for Before the Storm. Twilight's nine awards on the same night come as no surprise either. I recently heard that Miss Cyrus was going out with one of the Jonas Brothers: I expect a rupture in the fabric of teen-cute reality to appear very soon now.

4. Not content with beating each other up on the field, Australian Rugby League players continue to beat up their girlfriends off it. MELBOURNE Storm superstar Greg Inglis has been stood down indefinitely after he was charged over an alleged assault on his girlfriend, the Herald Sun reports. Sally Robinson has black eyes and bruising on her face, allegedly the legacy of an attack by Inglis in the early hours of Sunday. Seriously, what the fuck is it with these stupid fucking bastards? NRL players have a long history of violence and dubious sexual behaviour, proven or otherwise, including the shoving of a drinking glass into a girlfriend's face; group sex that evolved from a one-on-one and which could well have been gang rape; and a League player allegedly taking a thirteen-year-old girl home with him. You'd think they could just take the money they get (and it's very good money) and behave themselves, don't you? It makes me want to have the next one of these jerks who misbehaves himself strung up in a public place by a wire wrapped round his scrotum and left dangling there as an example to the others.

One of the technical assistants in my lab explained it very neatly. "These guys all used to have full time jobs, they'd turn up to training three nights a week, and then front up for the game on Saturday. Now they're just paid far too much to do nothing but play football." Testosterone-drenched young men with time on their hands, an aura of invincibility, fawning fans, and egos the size of the island continent they live in, making more money than some sixty-hour-a-week professionals? A recipe for trouble.